Homecoming
From our nation’s earliest beginnings, war has been a part of American
life. So too has “homecoming” - the return of our veterans from the
battlefield. Where war shapes the face of the nation, our veterans
provide its heart and soul, both literally and figuratively. But with
each new theatre, and each long-awaited homecoming, we still find
ourselves wrestling with the same issues of care and reintegration of
veterans into civilian life. While a large majority of our
veterans return safely to us and successfully rejoin civilian life,
there is a persistent and troubling number of veterans who don’t. Our
veterans return from war forever changed by their experiences, and
families are often the first to witness this change. Excited
anticipation gives way to confusion and frustration with the
realization that the person who shipped out isn’t the same as the
veteran now returning home. And while there are a growing number of
organizations that offer direct, immediate counseling for veterans,
there are surprisingly few offering long-term or ongoing support to
families of veterans.John Henry Parker, a Sacramento local and
former US Marine, found this out the hard way. In late 2003, Parker’s
son, Sergeant Danny Facto was serving his second tour with the Army’s
10th Mountain Division in Afghanistan. Positioned in one of the most
dangerous battlegrounds in the Afghan-Iraq war, the 10th Mountain had
been the focus of recent media attention, appearing on Peter Jennings’
“World News Tonight." Shortly thereafter, Danny called home to his
father. “He said he was having some serious reservations about
coming home. He didn’t really understand how he was going to make the
stretch back to being a parent and a husband after what he’d been going
through. It was just, kind of an alarming phone call to get out of the
blue,” recalled Parker.Parker, resolved to do everything he could
to seek out counseling for Danny, and guidance for he and his family on
how to deal with this new set of events unfolding. The results of
John’s search, or lack thereof, were disturbing. “Kind of
naively, I thought especially with the homecoming problems we had with
Vietnam, that we as a society would have some kind of organization or
support group for parents and family members to help with this
traumatic transition, says Parker. He goes on to say, “I was in the
Marine Corps, raised by a father who was a combat veteran…so I was
hoping there was something out there, but I just didn’t find anything.”In
his search for answers, Parker began meeting other families struggling
with the same issues. He began talking to people in the mental health
field, within the VA, and in the media, and out of those conversations
an idea was born. Parker decided to form his own non-profit
organization, called Veterans and Families, dedicated to assisting
veterans and their loved ones through the difficult period known as
“homecoming.” Throughout 2004 and 2005, Veterans and
Families ran a series of focus groups, with a core group of attendees,
mainly spouses, some veterans, as well as Vietnam veterans. It was here
Parker gained valuable insight into the relationships between veterans
and their family members, particularly spouses. Parker recalls, “You
know, when it came right down to it, they were really angry and upset
because they’d been good military spouses, they’d done everything they
were asked to do and yet after all this is said and done [the veterans]
are coming home saying ‘I love you but I can’t live with you, I need my
space.’”Eventually hampered by the fact that no list of
returning military and family members was available on an ongoing
basis, the support groups gave way to a formidable Web presence, which
remains and continues to grow today. The Veterans and Families Web
site, veteransandfamilies.org, is an extensive Web portal linking to
numerous civilian non-profit, government and media Web sites. Available
for download is the crowning achievement of Veterans and Families: The
Homecoming Preparedness Guide.This 15-page guide provides
crucial insight into the veteran’s mindset, allowing family members to
learn how their veteran has changed, and help families move into a new
and more realistic understanding of their loved one. It also offers
veterans valuable insight into the feelings that his or her family may
be going through, and is an invaluable resource for both veterans and
their loved ones, at any stage of homecoming.“Our biggest piece
of advice that we offer families for every single person outside of the
veteran is: manage your expectations,” says Parker. “Manage your
expectations around what’s important to the veteran coming home. And
start by asking the very easy question of ‘How do you want to spend
your first hours/days/weeks/months at home?’” Asking this question is
often a good reality check for family members. If expectations go
unmanaged and these kinds of questions aren’t asked, resentment begins
to breed and can quickly accelerate into a negative spiral. One
of the most striking aspects of the Homecoming Preparedness Guide is
its simplicity. It outlines scenarios such as if a veteran is
noticeably edgy in a restaurant, changing the seating arrangement can
help them to feel more comfortable. John elaborates, “I’ve got several
spouses who call me and say, ‘You know what, everything in that guide
happened. We went to a restaurant and I asked for a corner table so he
could actually sit in the corner and watch everything that’s going on
in the room, and not only did he appreciate it, he actually opened up
and started talking to me, which hadn’t been happening.’”The
breakthroughs that come from the right kind of actions are much more
long lasting and more deeply felt by the veteran than words. Through
the Web site, Veterans and Families remains constantly connected to the
“homecoming” process at all stages. “We’re getting people that are
saying, 'My husband’s coming home, I’m scared to death…his emails, his
voicemails, his messages, he’s changed.’” For veterans who
reach “critical mass,” Parker says Vet Centers are the single best
resource, of which there are 232 nationwide. Though significantly
overstretched, the Vet Centers are equipped to deal specifically with
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).One important tool the
Vet centers use in treatment programs is getting veterans from similar
conflicts into the same room together. To Parker, that method is key;
“Nobody really understands a combat veteran better than another combat
veteran.” Parker’s son Danny showed him this when he interacted with
other veterans during Veterans and Families focus groups. “[With other
veterans] he’s not my son Danny, he’s back in the role of a sergeant
and a squad leader even though he’s out of the military now. He talks
to these guys directly and gets right to the point, ‘You’re telling me
you’re okay. How much sleep are you getting? How much are you
drinking?’ Veterans have a way of communicating with each other that is
a real brotherhood and sisterhood.” Parker is pragmatic and
prefers that the military adopt what he calls a “mandatory
decompression process.” Parker says, “If it’s important that we have an
all-volunteer military in the future, we better release people back
into society in a way that helps them manage and cope with what they
will encounter. Veterans are reluctant to seek counseling [and] this is
a real problem. Instead, Parker believes that there is value in
self-help, something that is especially valuable for veterans. “When I
got out of the military, an officer really changed my life and shifted
my focus,” recalls Parker. “He said, ‘you’re going to get out of the
military in a couple of weeks, and what’s interesting is the world is
exactly the same. You’ve changed.’” On the officer’s advice Parker
visited the nearest bookstore and embraced self-help names like
Napoleon Hill, David Schwartz and Maxwell Maltz. Whatever civilians may
think of the “personal development” phenomenon, when you’re someone who
is truly looking for help, books like these can set you on the right
mental path. In his experience with Veterans and Families,
the biggest lesson that Parker has learned is that veterans and their
families are ultimately, and understandably, very private about
“homecoming” and its aftermath. “After all the things we thought we
wanted to do, the Homecoming Preparedness Guide was most relevant. If
the legacy of Veterans and Families is that those in need can access
the Homecoming Preparedness Guide from the privacy of their own homes,
and start to understand how to make the journey back to normalcy, then
that alone is a legacy that Parker can be proud of. In 2007,
through Veterans and Families, Parker helped launch the Warrior
Transition Project, which partners with an organization called Brain
State Conditioning, using neurofeedback treatment to find an
alternative form of treating the symptoms of PTSD. The Veterans and
Families Web site provides a number of first-hand testimonials from
veterans attesting to the success of the treatments. Parker’s ongoing
drive to explore new opportunities and to find hope where there seems
to be none, is embodied in the Veterans and Families organization, and
shows veterans that just as they fought for us, there are people here
who are willing to fight for them. As is with any non-profit
organization, funding is the key to Veterans and Families’ ongoing
success. With the help of Bobbi Parks, CEO of the Lincoln Chamber of
Commerce and proud mother of an Iraq Marine Combat Veteran, Veterans
and Families is currently evaluating the unmet needs of homecoming
veterans and their family members to continually align their focus with
current and future needs. Parker says, “[Parks] will hopefully be
assuming more of a leadership role in the future with the organization.
She is an incredible person, spokesperson and leader.” And
what of John’s son Danny? He’s been out of the military now for a few
years and adjusting into civilian and college life while pursuing a
Masters in Clinical Social Work, which will allow him to counsel other
veterans. Life still is not without its ups and downs, and John, Danny
and the family still take it day by day. “We talk about the future but
we seem to talk more about how he’s doing right now.”To download the Homecoming Preparedness Guide, make donations, or for more information about veterans’ issues, check out veteransandfamilies.org.
For more information about getting involved, be sure to pick up this month's copy of Style-Roseville Granite Bay Rocklin. Click on the "Get Your Copy" link on the bottom of this page for some of our newsstand locations. Or, to order a copy of this issue, please email Gloria Schroeder at [email protected], or call her at 916-988-9888 x116.
Read More »