I was at a River Cats game recently and saw something that disturbed me. A player walking off the field made eye contact with a kid in the stands. The little guy was wearing a big, oversized mitt and since the player had a ball in his hand, he tossed it toward the kid. Suddenly, from a good five seats away, a middle-aged woman, armed with a glove of her own (and surprisingly quick reflexes) leapt up, got her mitt in front of the kid’s, and made the snag. My first thought: She just wanted to make sure he gets the ball.

Uh-uh. She kept it. SHE KEPT THE BALL. Now, maybe she didn’t know any better, but to me—and several others nearby—it was a clear violation of proper baseball fan etiquette.

So, I have labored a good...oh, a good 20 minutes now...researching what exactly is considered proper fan etiquette at baseball games. And while there doesn’t seem to be one set of hard-and-fast “official” rules, there are several common denominators shared by the two or three lists I painstakingly Googled (including oneworldsports.com and ESPN) while taking a break from watching cat videos on YouTube. I will share them now, along with a few of my own and from friends, including my radio co-host Pat, who loves baseball more than Pablo Sandoval’s belt loves a day off.

1/Never get up during an at-bat for any reason, other than to cheer. Your braut, your beer, the bathroom...they all can wait. 

2/If you’ve just gone out for one of the aforementioned reasons, wait for a break in the action before returning to your seat. 

3/Never wear the jersey of a team that’s not playing in the game. At a Dodgers-Giants game, nobody cares you’re an über-Marlins fan. The likely impression you’ll actually make? That you don’t know much about baseball, heard you were going to a game, and simply grabbed the first ballgame-y shirt you could find.

4/Do not do “the wave.” 

5/Especially do not try to start “the wave.”

6/Also, don’t try being a cheerleader. It’s great to be enthusiastic, but please direct all shouting toward the field of play and not me, seven rows back. I paid to watch a game, not get yelled at by you.

7/Not every hard hit ball in the air is “OUTTA HERE!” Make your predictions by watching the outfielders. If they look like they’re gonna make a catch, they probably will. 

8/It’s okay to shout at the umpire. If a missed call at home warrants it, boo away. Remind him that you noticed he forgot his glasses. But don’t lose your mind. All you’ll do is risk a stroke, and anyway, ultimately...? Blue. Don’t. Care.

9/Don’t repeatedly yell at a player at bat to “get a hit.” That is exactly what Josh Reddick is trying to do. Same with pitchers and throwing strikes. 

10/Cheer your guys with passion and jeer the other guys all you want. But, try to be creative. Shouting empty-headed epithets like, “Hey Kershaw, you SUCK!” is just lazy and sad. Heck, you don’t even have to shout: Think of all those genius Hunter Pence signs—”Hunter Pence Hoards Garden Gnomes”; “Hunter Pence Thinks Game of Thrones Is Just OK.” They are funny and get the message across that he’s in enemy territory.

11/At all costs, avoid swearing. C’mon. There are kids.

12/Speaking of swearing, please put your #%*$ cell phone away.

13/Don’t taunt, or worse, try to pick fights with fans cheering for the other team. All you’re doing is representing your team in the worst way possible.

14/Summarizing the four previous rules: Don’t be an obnoxious #ss. 

And finally:

15/If you catch a foul ball, or a player tosses one into the stands and there is a kid nearby…strongly consider giving it to the kid. 

16/If you have a kid at home you want to bring the ball back to, totally cool. We get it. So announce it loudly and hope the other fans believe you.

17/OK, fine. If you snag a home run ball, you can hang onto that one. The strongly principled may still seek out a young nearby fan to give it to...unless that ball was hit by, say, Buster Posey. Then it’s totally fine to say, “Sorry kid, get your own.” Hey, we can’t let them grow up just expecting everything to be handed to them.

 

Catch Tom on the Pat and Tom Morning Show on New Country 105.1, email him at [email protected], or follow him on Twitter @kncitom.