COMMUNICATION IS KEY
It may sound cliché but communicating and listening really are imperative to keeping the spark alive in long-term romantic relationships. Therese Sorrentino, LMFT (theresesorrentinomft.com), suggests checking in with your partner every day, even if it’s only for 20 minutes, using a soft approach. “People respond to body language and tone of voice before they hear the words. The way you first approach each other will determine how the conversation will go and whether it will be constructive,” she says. Wondering what to talk about? Jessica Osterday, trauma-informed life coach and brainspotting practitioner (jessicaosterday.com), recommends open conversations about what little actions or connections you both miss from the early days of dating. Talk about how you each like to give and receive love and affection—and how you can create that together—or discuss new things to try in the bedroom that seem exciting to you. According to Ashlee Janzen, LMFT (ashleejanzenlmft.com), couples should also be communicating what their unmet needs are, which can oftentimes be the root of many relationship problems. “This can look like not spending enough time with your partner or feeling like you need more help around the house. Checking in with one another allows you to explore and share what these desires are,” Janzen shares.

 

“A” FOR EFFORT
Renae Linder, MSW, LCSW, at Linder Psychiatric Group (echildpsychiatry.com) advises couples to put in some effort every day. “Even a little bit pays off, and your significant other may start to reciprocate in kind,” she says. “Focus on your partner’s love language and think about what they really like or want. It doesn’t have to be big, so long as you show you put some thought into it. Write a nice note about the things you like about them, surprise them with a household chore they usually do, or simply give a sincere compliment.” Sorrentino agrees that rewinding to the honeymoon stage of your relationship is key. “Get back to doing what you did when you were first dating—romantic, thoughtful gestures and giving your partner at least one compliment or appreciation a day,” she says.

 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL
Even though sex in a long-term partnership isn’t going to be as passionate as the early days, it’s still important to “do it.” Says Sorrentino: “Don't let too much time go by without being physically intimate. It's hard to bring it back if you let the fire completely burn out.” Even if you must plan it, having sex should be a priority, Osterday shares. If you’re struggling to get in the mood, she suggests kissing, as it’s important and often the first thing to go; being precious and playful; and locking eyes with each other. “The right kind of eye contact often exits when we’re fighting or we feel frustrated and unheard. Eye contact is a sign that you’re here, you care, you have your partner’s attention, and you want them,” Osterday says.

MAKE A DATE
Between work, household chores, and parental duties, date night is probably not at the top of your relationship to-do list. But, according to the experts, regular, one-on-one time together—without the kids—shouldn’t be a luxury but rather a necessity. Sorrentino says couples should go on “at least two dates a month and have each partner plan one of the dates for the other.” Another must when you’re on a date? “Don't discuss problems…just have fun with each other!”

 

IT’S OK TO SEEK SUPPORT
Even the most doting couples who appear happy and in love hit rough patches. “When you find yourself struggling in your own relationship and having conversations without tension and sharp words is challenging, seeking professional help can be a wonderful tool. It’s beneficial to have another person available to help you understand your patterns and make any adjustments to enhance your relationship,” says Janzen.