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5 Relationship Resolutions with Bob Parkins, LMFT

Dec 30, 2016 10:58AM ● By David Norby

Photo by Channa Vance

If your relationship has been navigating rough waters lately, don't fret. Follow the five tips below to ensure 2017 is nothing but smooth sailing.


Eliminate relationship-killing behavior patterns

Extramarital affairs and addictions may be among the most obvious relationship killers, but most failing marriages are slowly eroded by more subtle killers. Researcher and psychologist John Gottman identifies patterns of behavior he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as predictors of early divorce.  First is criticism, usually complaining about a partner’s personality or attributes; second, and most damaging, is contempt, which often comes in the form of statements from a position of superiority, pride and judgment; the third is chronic defensiveness, a form of self-protection in which one postures to ward off perceived attack; lastly is stonewalling, or emotionally withdrawing from interaction (ignoring your partner, or giving them the “silent treatment” is a classic form of this). Making significant changes to these behavior patterns can save failing relationships, and identifying them is the first step to change. 

Take responsibility for yourself

Set aside all the complaints you have about your spouse, and realize there’s nothing you can do to change them, for if complaining or nagging worked, they’d have changed already.  Instead, focus your energy on changing yourself. Taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions will help you grow, which in turn may positively affect the relationship by shifting negative attitudes, patterns of interaction, and guarding against resentments. Those who take responsibility only for themselves, instead of their partner, tend to have healthier relationships, regardless of their spouse.

 Reach out to your partner

Failing marriages are stuck in the status quo of negative interactions, failed expectations turned to resentments, and eventually withdrawing into disconnected, parallel lives. To reengage and combat marital isolation, be the first person to reach out. Do so without expectation, and your partner will respond the way you want them to. It may be difficult for them to drop their guard, trusting you won’t quickly return to old patterns, so be prepared to reach out until the trust is rebuilt.

Don’t base your relationship on feelings

Successful marriages aren’t based on feelings, but on hard work. The intense feelings of passion felt at the beginning of relationships tend to fade after a predictable year or two. This is normal. Healthy relationships transition to a more committed love, which isn't only hard work, but leads to a deeper, more stable partnership. Basing a romance on emotions causes instability, and confusing one’s current emotions with love, or lack thereof, prevents couples from developing the relationship skills they may otherwise acquire through difficult times together.

Get help

The most tragic thing I see is when couples wait too long to get help. Oftentimes one partner is so entrenched in bitterness and resentment, or has become so emotionally unavailable, that saving the marriage is extremely difficult. These couples are contrasted by the many successful ones who seek help as soon as they start to feel stuck, or want to deepen their intimacy with a “marriage tune-up.” If your marriage is beginning to struggle, get help ASAP! 

 Bob Parkins is a licensed marriage and family therapist. He can be reached at 916-337-5406, [email protected]. Photos by Channa Vance. Author photo coutesy of Bob Parkins.