Millions of parents and caregivers across the country will become empty nesters this month, as children venture off to college or pastures new for jobs. Just like first steps, first words, puberty, and learning to drive, this is one of life’s milestones, and it’s highly likely that your emotions will live up to the occasion. “Parents [should] allow themselves to feel the myriad of emotions and know that they are all normal,” advises Holly Spotts, clinical psychologist at Full Cup Wellness. 

So that ache in your chest, those sleepless nights worrying about how they’ll cope, and the spontaneous sobbing while rejoicing at the reduced grocery bill, are all okay.

Spotts acknowledges that men and women, mothers and fathers all feel the impact of empty nest syndrome but admits that it usually hits mothers the hardest: “Since women are more commonly in the role of primary caretaker, they tend to be more impacted. The role of ‘mother’ provides a woman identity and purpose. If a mother depends heavily on that identity for self-worth, she will likely suffer a greater loss when her children no longer need her in the same ways they once did. Highly involved and stay-at-home parents will also have a major transition in identity, as well as parents who have avoided their problems to focus on their children.”

Lorna Hyatt, a mom from Folsom, always wanted to be a mother and has experienced the empty nest. Tearing up, she recollects the time when her youngest left home two years ago. “I grieved. My identity was gone, and I had to work out who I was again. The house was so quiet, it was deafening.”
So far, being an empty nester doesn’t sound great, does it?  But as Spotts says, perhaps we need to reframe this season of our lives and call it something more positive like “refeathering” or “renewing.” 

Both Spotts and Therese Sorrentino, LMFT, agree that this can be a positive experience for parents. As Sorrentino says, “What hobbies did you have before children? Is there an activity you’d like to take up? Could you go for that promotion at work now?  Does volunteering appeal? This is a chance for self-exploration.”

And don’t neglect self-care. After years of being a parent, maybe now’s the time to look after your own health, both physical and mental. Use the extra hours to indulge in weekends away with friends, massages, or simply taking a moment to paint or sit down and read a book.

For those who feel as though this doesn’t relate to you, the empty nest feeling can start earlier than 18. Children tend to leave the family “circle” during the teens years, when they assert their individuality and prioritize friends over family. They may spend more time in their bedroom, and you might see them less and less. There are also shared custody situations where parents are without their kids at certain points of the week/month/year. Amid all these experiences, parents describe feeling a similar sense of loss to when children fly off for good.  
So, what can we do to make their departure easier and what should we not do? Hyatt emphasises that all parents really should try to cherish every moment. She wishes she hadn’t willed the difficult stages to finish or her children to grow up. Parents are told this all the time but hearing it from someone who was so bereft when her kids left, was powerful. On the flip side, she described how she reframed her situation to think about the positives: She raised three children into adults capable of living alone. “I trained them,” she asserts proudly. She also says that it’s nice to return to a clean house after work—just as she left it—and leftovers in the fridge are for her! 

Sorrentino says when children leave home is often when a parents’ relationship can fall apart. Without the focus of children, they realize they’ve lost their connection. She encourages parents to see themselves as the core of the family that cannot be neglected—regular date nights are a must, no matter how difficult they might be to arrange. Perhaps you can have an agreement with another couple to babysit each other’s kids, and switch off the following week or month. This simple investment will go a long way in preventing estrangement and further distress when the youngest child leaves the home.

And, if you feel like calling your child regularly to check-in and see what they’re up to once they’ve left home, think again, says Spotts. “Our kids need space to individuate, experience trial and error, and become the people they’re meant to be. If we smother them, they simply won’t be able to grow. Also, it shouldn’t be up to our kids to soothe our weary hearts. They can’t soar if we’re holding them back. As parents, we need to find others to support our feelings during this time, such as a friend, family member, or therapist.”

When you’re standing on the threshold of the family home waving goodbye to your offspring, celebrate your child and all they’ve achieved. Be proud of your parenting. Feel all the feels but consider that you, too, are on the threshold of a new chapter. This is your time.